


Beautiful

by natallijean



Series: Always another show [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dubious Science, Growing Up, Hermaphrodites, Intersex, Intersexed Zayn, Zayn-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-25
Updated: 2013-05-25
Packaged: 2017-12-12 22:53:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/817001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natallijean/pseuds/natallijean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Middlesex-inspired AU where Zayn navigates the first nineteen years of his life as a girl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> Contains hermaphroditism, an intersexed character, references to an actual medical condition.  
> Author has no actual science/medical knowledge outside of Wikipedia and Jeffrey Eugenides.  
> May be squicky for some, so consider this your warning.  
>    
> For more on hermaphroditism, read [here](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hermaphrodite).  
> For information on the intersex condition, read [here  
> ](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intersex)If you haven't already read Jeffrey Eugenides' Middlesex, I can't find a free download site, but you can find out more about the novel [here](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Middlesex_\(novel\)).

 

At 2, Zain remembers a pink nursery, the dolls and teddies, and cooes of _there’s my beautiful baby girl_. So at 2 Zain learns to play with dolls and have tea time with teddies and lets Doniya brush her hair.

At 4, Zain goes to kindergarten and the other kids laugh and pull at her pigtails because she’s a muddy, muddy brown. But Danny pushes them away and takes her hand, telling her _you’ll be safe with me._ So at 4 Zain thinks that she’s in love with this boy with the beautiful brown hair.

At 6, Zain kisses Danny’s brother, Anthony. Danny gets angry and Anthony is sad. And Zain doesn’t tell Danny that she only did it to make him jealous because she doesn’t like him talking to that other girl, Eleanor, in class. Danny and Anthony make up because _boys shouldn’t fight over girls_ , and they are friends again.

At 10, Zain knows she’s different. She doesn’t like the way her long hair gets in her eyes and she doesn’t like dresses and pink frilly skirts. So one day she crawls into Danny’s bed and gets the brothers to cut of all her thick black hair so she can look like her two best friends. Tricia shrieks when she sees her beautiful baby girl with her hair bluntly chopped off. And Doniya laughs and laughs. Zain laughs too, and soon the entire household is doubled over with laughter, because _how cute is it that Zain wants to be a boy_.  
  
At 12, the other girls in class whisper about their crushes and giggle over boys. Zain looks at Perrie, the tallest girl in class who’s just begun to wear a training bra. And Zain falls in love for the second time in her young life. But Zain knows about the names they call people like her - _lesbians_ \- like it’s a dirty word, so Zain keeps that crush buried deep inside and her head down.  
  
At 14, other girls have accidents in class and Zain begins to panic, because the signs are not here yet - _the fullness of her chest, the tapering of her waist_ \- and Zain fears the day that she’ll end up sitting in a pool of her blood halfway through English. So Zain gets Danielle, the girl sitting next to her in class, to take her to the store and buy a pack of tampons, _because Zain likes to be prepared_. That night, Zain tries putting it in like Danielle showed her. It doesn’t go in.

By 16, Zain knows something is seriously wrong. She takes to stuffing her bra with old socks and shaving every single day because hair is starting to grow on her chest, her legs, everywhere. But the bleeding never comes and Zain remembers to make a show of going out to the store to get tampons every tenth of the month. Boxes of unused tampons lie under her bed as she waits. _Waits to grow up_.

Zain is 18 when Louis Tomlinson with the bright blue eyes and the hair styled upwards to make him look taller, _even though he’s the same height as Zain_ , asks her out and soon they are _boyfriend and girlfriend_. Danny and Anthony never take to Louis but tolerate him anyway because he’s dating their precious girl. He doesn’t laugh at her when he takes off her shirt and feel the _nothingness_ in her bra, doesn’t recoil when he sees the hair on her back - those hard to reach places that Zain can never reach with the razor.  
  
Louis is gentle and patient and kisses her and tells her she’s beautiful. He rolls on the condom and slowly lubes himself, whispering _it’s my first time too_ and pushes in. It is Zain’s birthday. 

19, and Zain remembers the blood, the pain and passing out. She wakes up to crying, to the disbelief on her family’s faces and the _why didn’t you tell us_ and the doctors saying _I’m sorry your baby girl is a boy_. Yaser hugs Zain and says _you’ll always be my beautiful Zain_. Zain cries and cries with relief because _no more hiding_.  
  
 

At 20, Zain becomes **Zayn**. Gender reassignment surgery is expensive but they apply for a medical grant that helps intersexed children live the life they best identify with. And when they ask _what do you want to be_ Zayn smiles and says _I’ve always wanted to be a real boy_. Louis finds his way back into Zayn’s life, bringing Harry, his boyfriend with him, and Louis tells him _you weren’t the only one living a life you didn’t want_. And Louis knows _he’s always loved Zayn, always loved boys_. But now he loves Harry.

21, and Zayn finally makes it to college after two years in therapy. He rooms with Harry and Louis plays on the college football team. Danny and Anthony play for the rival college’s football team and Zayn laughs because _look how we’ve come full circle_.  
  
Liam James Payne steps into Zayn Javaad Malik’s life at precisely two hours, thirteen minutes and twenty seven seconds after Zayn turns 22. Danny, Anthony and Louis put aside their differences to throw him the most epic **YOU’RE TWO** party in Zayn and Harry’s shared dorm and invite only _the coolest people they know_. Liam makes the cut - a music technology junior who goes to Danny and Anthony’s school and plays on the same team.  


 

“Hi, I’m Liam.”  
“Hi I’m Zayn and I’m two years old.” 

  
They fall in love over a mutual appreciation of comics and music. Liam sings to him and tells him about his dreams of becoming a pop star. Zayn holds his hand and tells him that _you can be anything you want to be_. Liam laughs and says _you’re perfect aren’t you_ , and Zayn says _no, you are_. Louis and Harry make gagging sounds but are equally, nauseatingly, hopelessly in love with each other. They laugh, they cry, they play and they fight. And there are slammed doors and hurt feelings and words spoken too fast and too hard. Liam always apologizes first, coming back to Zayn looking like a lost, kicked puppy looking for forgiveness. And at 24, Zayn wonders how it is that his life turned out so tragic, so beautiful, and so _perfect_.


End file.
